When You Know the Tools, But Don’t Feel the Change

 Why “Familiar Misery” Can Feel Safer Than “Foreign Happiness”

As a therapist, I often sit with clients who tell me, “I know the coping skills—I’ve read the books, done the breathing, challenged the thoughts—but I still feel stuck.” And I want to tell you this: You are not broken, and you’re not doing it wrong.

Healing is not always a straight path, and understanding something cognitively doesn’t mean we’ve integrated it emotionally. In fact, it’s incredibly common—especially for those living with anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or trauma—to reach a place where the discomfort of what’s familiar feels safer than the unknown territory of change.

There’s a quote I love: “Don’t choose a familiar misery over a foreign happiness.” It hits because we’ve all done it. We stick with patterns, people, or beliefs that harm us—not because we enjoy suffering, but because the unfamiliar can feel threatening. Even happiness can feel “too much” if we’ve spent years surviving instead of thriving.

In our work together, we hold space for that tension. We don’t force change. Instead, we honor your nervous system’s wisdom, build safety from the inside out, and slowly stretch toward new ways of being that don’t feel so “foreign” over time.

So if you find yourself knowing what to do but still feeling stuck—you’re not failing. You’re just in the gap between knowledge and embodiment. And that’s where the real work, the relational work, happens.

You don’t have to leap. You just have to lean.